if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
