Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
