he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize