I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize