Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
