cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
