I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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