but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
