I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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