I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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