is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
