There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
