I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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