that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
