keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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