God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
