Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
