When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
