it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
