Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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