Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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