I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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