Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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