My friends, they love my intelligence
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
