I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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