True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
