I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I love you.
Bad choice
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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