i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
