as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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