I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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