Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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