I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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