So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this boner is exhausting
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
