Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
