i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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