the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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