I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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