Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
