my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
