So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So apparently I’m into choking now
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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