A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
