Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
