You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So many bounce houses so little time
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
