a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Couch. On fire.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
