Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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