the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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