New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
