apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
