Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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