I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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