My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
