Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
