I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
this hospital has no fireball
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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